Glycerine, gurujis and Bryan Johnson, some killer ways to save your marriage

Murder She Wrought is not the next season of the old Angela Lansbury’s ‘Murder She Wrote’ detective series. It’s India’s new reality if you go by what’s been happening in the last few weeks. In Jaipur, a vegetable vendor’s wife strangled her husband and then set the body on fire. In UP’s Auraiya district, a newly married woman hired a contract killer to get rid of her husband. In Bengaluru, a 37-year-old real estate businessman was allegedly murdered by his wife and mother-in-law. In Meerut, a woman coaxed her lover to help her chop up her husband into 15 pieces and hide the dismembered parts in a drum. All these women are now in police custody. While I deeply sympathise with these unfortunate men and their families, I am also struck by the stupidity of these women’s actions.

PHOTO CREDIT: Chad Crowe (USA)

I will admit that a majority of women, at some point or the other, may have daydreamed about strangling their husbands. This feeling usually passes after you eat some simple carbohydrates. I strongly advocate the use of banana chips to curb murderous rage.

Marriages can be stifling, but if you want to get rid of your husband, then there are far more straightforward ways than murder.  First, it’s such a messy business. It’s bad enough that every month, you have to deal with your own blood-stained bedsheets and underwear. If you also have to wash off your spouse’s blood splatters from the wall, it really increases the workload. Between making sure that rotis are round and your stomach concave, balancing family, and these days, bosses who are inspired by billionaires extolling the virtues of 90-hour work weeks, putting murder on your to-do list seems utterly exhausting.

I concede that lawyers are expensive, and ‘tareek pe tareek’ is not just a dialogue from ‘Damini’ but a reality, yet there are practical ways of getting rid of your husband that do not involve knives or hitmen. Some of these strategies may ensure that not only does your husband stay away from you, but he will believe that it’s all his idea. Which, if you ask me, is the only way to get an Indian man to do anything.

The Tedious Hobby Method: This could be anything from playing the saxophone to joining a religious cult. Starting every sentence with ‘But Guru ji says…’ can soon become so annoying that he will be the one taking up vanwas.

Push Mummy ji Strategy: Tell your mother-in-law that her beloved son is changing rapidly. Inform her that you have been suggesting having dinner with Mummy ji every alternate day instead of just on the weekends, but he refuses to listen. The following week, tell her that her precious son chucks away the rajma she regularly sends and wants your special mutton pulao instead. Secretly block and unblock her number on his phone every few days at random intervals, so Mummy ji feels her phone and her umbilical cord are both floating in a no-network zone. Convinced that she is losing control over her Raja Beta, she will either start guilt-tripping him to spend more time with her or, even better, persuade him to move in with her.

My patented Psycho Answer Method: This involves replying to every perfunctory question in only two ways: either by taking the psychological approach or, worse, the philosophical one. Even a simple query like ‘Where are my socks?’ can be turned into a saga about how you lost one sock in kindergarten and the trauma never left you, or into a mangled guruji quote like, ‘The most beautiful moments in life are moments when you are searching, not when you find what you seek.’

The Glycerine Protocol: Bollywood heroines have employed this technique for decades to induce tears while keeping their false eyelashes firmly in place. Cry. At every opportunity. When he is 15 minutes late in coming home. He doesn’t finish his doodhi juice. He wants to watch the India-New Zealand finals. Cry even more when he says you are being oversensitive. This will ensure that you don’t see him around the house and may also sap his will to live.

Now, I suppose some men, despite these diverse methods, will still refuse to let go. Perhaps, under their burping, snoring, monosyllabic exterior, there is a heart brimming with love for you. I present the ultimate strategy in those situations…

The Ultimate Bryan Johnson Test: For those unaware, Bryan Johnson is a 47-year-old millionaire who has dedicated his life and money to reversing the biological effects of aging and selling people the techniques to do the same. His longevity methods include waking up at 4.30am and sleeping at 8.30pm. In between, he takes over 100 pills, measures all his biological functions from sleep to erections, injects himself with plasma and fat, doesn’t drink alcohol, and doesn’t go out in the evening.

Each time you find your husband and marriage insufferable, I would suggest you compare it to what it would be like to be married to someone like Bryan Johnson. If, for example, your husband forgets your birthday, remember that while Bryan will carefully input your birthday into his devices, it’s only so he can chart your cellular aging. When you are annoyed with your spouse insisting on eating the above-mentioned ‘Mummy wali best rajma’, note that lunch with our biohacker consists of eating a vegetable and nut paste. In that critical moment when your husband is snoring, and you want to smother him with a pillow, don’t forget that our longevity champion sleeps alone with an electrode attached to his penis.

If you get irritated that your other half keeps talking about ‘Rohit Sharma’s form’, it’s worth recalling that Bryan would be regaling you with tales about mitochondrial fraying. In moments when you get annoyed that while your dog has learnt tricks like fetch, catch, and handshake but your husband’s main trick is missionary and then rolling over and playing dead, remember that Bryan sticks to scheduled sex and uses most of his erections as data points in his spreadsheets.

If it bothers you that your spouse is not a hands-on father, remind yourself that at least unlike Bryan, he is not taking plasma out of your son’s body and injecting it into his own.

If your husband still wins in the Ultimate Bryan Johnson Contest, then ladies, note that you should cut your losses, not his wrists. Whether it’s dismemberment or divorce, you will likely need the services of an expensive lawyer, so bite the bullet — the one you were planning to use for a more nefarious project — and pay up. It’s better to go into debt than to go to jail.

END OF ARTICLE